SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE

AWAY FROM THE SUN—3 DOORS DOWN

“Away From The Sun”It’s down to this
I’ve got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I’ve done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

‘Cause now again I’ve found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I’m so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I’m over this
I’m tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling’s gone
There’s nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I’ve found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I’m so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I’m so far down, away from the sun again

It’s down to this
I’ve got to make this life make sense
And now I can’t tell what I’ve done

And now again I’ve found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

‘Cause now again I’ve found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I’m so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I’m so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no…
Yeah…
I’m gone…

“Changes”I’m not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don’t know where I am
I wish that I could move but I’m exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I’m trying hard to breathe now but there’s no air in my lungs
There’s no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can’t help me ‘Cause no one knows

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I’m going through changes, changes

I’m feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I’ve got something to say, but now I’ve got no where to turn
It feels like I’ve been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can’t help me ‘Cause no one knows

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I’m going through changes, changes

I’m blind and shakin’
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I’m falling apart, now I feel it

But I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I’m going through changes, changes

A Sense of Peace

It’s been an interesting couple of days.

First off, last week, we got to a ‘breaking-point’ in some issues with Connor. Autism is a crazy thing! His anxiety level was through the roof and because he can’t always communicate, he would act out (i.e. screaming, horrible tantrums).  We have tried many things to control his behavior.  He’s been in time-out, been spanked and we’ve taken toys away.  That has not seemed to work very well with my autistic son. You take away his toys and does not phase him. Afterall, following the lines on the floor is much more fun for him. You put him in time-out or spank him and in 10 seconds he has NO idea of what he did wrong. Plus, we are telling him not to hit his brother when he makes him mad, and then he gets spanked when he’s in trouble and he was getting a mixed message.  We were at a loss, but I was not about to let autism be an excuse to allow my child to be defiant.  We’ve met with his doctors and teachers this week. They have put him on a very low dose of medication–which took some convincing on my part. Then his teacher also gave us a ton of useful information and told us how well Connor does when he has visual cues throughout the day. She gave me the website she uses and I was able to get all the same pictures she uses with him at school, and now my house looks like a pre-school, but Connor is actually adjusting very well to it. And the meds seems to be working too and he’s even sleeping through the night! FINALLY!  Our church is also in the process of getting us some specialized counseling for parents of special needs children. We’ve gone to the church for support and they have been wonderful in praying for us and reminding us that the will of God will never take you to where the grace of God cannot protect and comfort us. However, the Bible does not contain an exact chapter on autism. The church wanted to make sure we get the best biblical counseling for our situation and we’re excited to see what happens there. I must say, I love my church.

Anyways, friday morning we met again with the school, who had good things to say about Connor’s progress with his IEP and they have decided he is ready for direct speech! Yeah! By the time the meeting was over, it was time for Connor to come home. I had a few errands to run and because of his anxiety, I usually don’t take him with me, but this day I had no choice. He pleasantly surprised me! I had shampooed the carpets on thursday and needed to return the Rug Doctor. He got out the car and immediately held his brother’s hand and they both stayed right with me as I juggled them and the carpet cleaner.  We went in to the store and someone said HI to him and did not set him off as it usually does! We got back in the van and he is usually running around the inside while I strap Landon in his car seat, but instead in jumped up in his seat and patiently waited for me to buckle him in. I took them to McDonald’s for lunch and he ate all his food and was a perfect angel! We came home and he and Landon were both tired so I put them both down for a nap and actually had some time for myself. I got all the housework done and even had time to just sit and do nothing!!!  Andy got off work early because they needed him to go back in at 2 am for security purposes. He was home, the kids were asleep and we were able to sit down in peace and quiet and just talk without being interrupted.  Andy’s brother, Shane, came over later and we all had a nice dinner, the kids took a bath and then Andy and the kids all headed to bed around 8 pm.  I had the rest of the house to myself!!!! I was able to read, watch a little TV (that was not the Disney channel) and I even painted!!! I crawled into bed with a sense of peace about me and quickly drifted off to sleep.  The boys did get me up a few times that evening, but after having some quiet time to myself, I really didn’t mind. Landon and I were already up at 6 am when Andy came home from work. He went back to sleep for awhile and I took care of breakfast and played with the kids. He woke up and I decided to go take care of my flower beds. I pulled weeds and bagged up leaves and manicured some of the bushes. I came in and took a shower and decided to sit down for a minutes and I actually drifted off to sleep. To my surprise, Andy and kids left me alone and I took a glorious 2 and a half hour nap. By the time I woke up, the kids were napping and Andy and I were able to have another afternoon of cuddling and being lazy in front of the TV. They woke up a few hours later and Shane came over for dinner and we all had a nice time. I even had Connor Paus, as his parents asked me to keep him overnight while they had a date. All 3 kids got along. Baths and bedtimes came before we knew it and they ALL slept through the night. It’s now Sunday morning. Andy is still sleeping and I will let him sleep until it’s time for him to get ready for church. He needs the rest just as much as I do. All 3 kids are awake and are happily playing in the toy room. I am sitting here, feeling happy, refreshed and calm for the first time in a very long time. I prayed for this. And HE answered. I know it seems like I’m just rambling on and on, but we tend to scream to the world when everything is going wrong, but say nothing when things are going right. I just want to share and rejoice in the fact the things are wonderful at this very moment. I am thankful for God’s grace. He provides for all our needs; even when it’s something as simple as rest.

Who am I, again?

I used to be an outgoing person. I used to LOVE to go to work. I used to be a hair stylist. I used to manage a very busy salon. I used to be Charlotte.

Now, I’m “Sgt, Rounds’ wife,” or “Hey, aren’t you Connor and Landon’s mom???”  Whatever happened to me?  I’ve gone from having my own identity, to just being a small part of someone else’s. My daily job no longer involves scissors and hair color. My life is the never-ending job of dishes, laundry, diapers and re-filling sippy cups.  Now, don’t get me wrong; I love my husband and my kids more than anything else on this earth. I’d be lost without them. But, in a way, I’ve lost myself TO them. Their needs and wants are always above mine. That’s what parenting is. But I find myself, getting stressed to the max very easily, now-a-days, and I think it’s because I have no outlet.  I take on everything. The successful maintanence of this house rests on my shoulders. Biblically, wives are called to certain duties: we are to be helpers to our husbands, we are to be his companion, and we are to be keepers of the home, we are to be submissive to our husbands and we can honor God by honoring our husbands. And we are to perform these duites joyfully, as the ’mood’ of the wife, seems to set the mood of the home.  I can do the ‘jobs,’ I am just having a hard time, lately, in doing them joyfully.  I need to do learn to balance out my life. To be able to do my job the way I should and do it with a happy heart. I need to be the wife and mother that God intended me to be without losing myself in the process. I need to learn to be thankful in all things and count my blessings, instead of focusing on everything that goes wrong in my life.

I’m praying that God will grant me the grace that I need—-the break that I need—–to rest and get myself together. I need to learn to be joyful in ALL things, even when I’m wore out and exhausted.  I’m praying that God will help me learn to say “no” and to quit taking on so much from others. I need to remember that I need a time-outs, too. And I need to remember that I’m not the only mom that has ever felt this way, and that I should thank my mom and my grandmother, for the sacrifices they made—what they gave up in themselves–for me. 

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